Spring Semster

So, after much annoyance, and plan changing, I have my Spring semester schedule all figured out and it is:

Math – Again, it’s like it never ends. There’s an infinity joke there somewhere.

American Sign Language II – With my BFF, so it shall be a partay ::insert sign for party::.

Sport Psychology – Super excited about this one! I had to ask the professor for pseudo-permission because apparently it’s usually only for coaches, and personal trainers. I filled the last available slot, and looked up the textbook. I’m hoping this class will be awesome. I will most likely whine about it on here if it’s not. So I’m sure we all hope for no whining. 

I’m also taking two “student success” classes, which aren’t as special-ed as they sound. One is filled with all these tests, like the Strong Interest Inventory (which is supposed to be amazing), the Myers-Briggs, and other similar tests. The other class gets you early registration, so… I like to take advantage.

I am possibly thinking about adding another Astronomy course onto there, but we’ll see. One of my fave professors, who I had an Astronomy class with already, is teaching the course so it’s very tempting.

That’s about it. Keep your fingers crossed that I LOVE Sports Psychology!!!!

Thanks for reading!
…Erin

Cancelversary.

T.G.E.D.G.M.

On October 7, 2009 I married the man I am going to spend the rest of forever with, the love of my life, except I didn’t.

Two weeks prior I canceled the wedding, due to many things, but mostly because my gut was telling me that something was wrong… with him. Fast forward almost an entire year and you find me standing outside of my house, by the road, throwing pink and gold assorted objects into the trash can.

We are officially coming up on the cancelversary, and I’m feeling a bit… nostalgic? Is nostalgic the word? No. Grouchy? No. Sad? No. Happy? No.

Ambivalent? Yes.

I am feeling ambivalent. This week will be fun, as my friends and I are making it so; it will also be a chance to “start again”, if we want to get self-help-book-cliche. It’s also a bit… hard.

My friends and I are having a party, if themed bar-hopping counts as a party, to “celebrate” if that is what you want to call it. I have found that the English language doesn’t have many words that are horribly useful to somebody in my position. And what is my position? I am not going to write a hate-filled blog entry about him, because that’s not me, and to be honest that doesn’t even match how I feel. I’m not going to write a tear filled blog entry, because I’m not filled with tears. I’m also not happy it happened. I am happy that I didn’t get stuck in a marriage that wouldn’t have worked and would have led to a lot of pain for me, but I’m not happy that it ever happened. If I could, I would turn back time (thank you Cher) and walk away at an exact moment that I have picked out in my head.

Back to the trash can. After the wedding was canceled, we stayed together (you wonder why? me too.) and I ended up holding onto all sorts of wedding paraphernalia. When we broke up the goods just got buried, literally, in the back of the garage, probably because I couldn’t deal with it at that moment so I unconsciously let it get lost, and other awesome things Freud would back me up on. Either way this week is the perfect time to clean out all wedding things, and therefore clean the wedding-that-couldn’t out of me. So unopened lingering gifts (I know, that one is bad) are getting sent back. The wedding dress is at the tailor’s right now to be turned into a pretty party dress for TGEDGM. The wedding books and magazines are being given to a second hand bookstore. Lastly, all the pictures of the table set-ups, dresses, color schemes, guests lists, and everything else that the wedding industry demands you freak out about, just got thrown into the trash can. Trash day is tomorrow.

I like cleaning and I like organizing, so doing both in my brain is even better. My friends and family are being amazing, and supportive. We are going to have a blast this week, and I will get to end that chapter of life on a good note. All very good things, and yet there is a slight sad undertone. Do I miss him? I don’t, at all. Do I want him back? Negative. It’s a sad undertone for a few reasons. My marriage failed before it even began, and if you know me you would know I don’t love failure. It rarely happens, when it involves something I really want, and when it does I start the mega-pout. Add on the fact that this isn’t just a job interview, instead it was the “rest of my life”, and it makes me feel a bit… embarrassed.

So there is that, but mostly the sad undertone belongs to one reason. I want that time back. I want that chapter to be devoted to something else, I want that whole period of time to have a different story in it, different drama, different happiness. I just want it back. Which of course can’t and won’t happen. So instead I turn it into a chapter to learn from, a chapter to not repeat.

Which leads me to the happy ending, because of course there is a happy ending to this story, to this chapter. Almost one year ago I thought I found the love of my life, and instead over the past year realized I already had it: in friends, and family. Most importantly I found it in myself.

Thank God Erin Didn’t Get Married

School is starting!!!!

Granted, school hasn’t even technically ended for me yet, as I’m in summer school. However, Fall starts up in about a month and a week, and I am so stoked! Today they officially posted books online for all classes, so I got to see what I’ll be needing. Haven’t priced it just yet though, maybe I’ll go do that right now…

** please hold **
** please hold**
** please hold**

Alright, according to the online bookstore, which has been wrong before, my books will come to a total of $415.70. I am disgusted at the fact that I want to say, “Oh, that’s not bad.” I’ve had worse, and it’s frightening how expensive textbooks get. Sheesh. Here’s hoping my grants don’t get taken away for some random reason…. like.. Cough…. Pima dropping the ball. Cough. Cough.

Here is my course line-up:

Tuesdays and Thursdays :

Sign Language from 12:50 to 3:50
Astronomy from 5:40 to 8:20

Wednesdays:

Judaism 1:40 to 4:20

Online:

More math. How sad.

So Tuesdays and Thursdays will be pretty long, only because I will be getting home at about 9:00 pm. I am super excited for Judaism, for many reasons, one of them being that I read an article about the professor and he seems like a really cool guy! We’ll see, I’ll keep you posted! Sign Language is either going to be great or awful, which I will then have to make myself think it’s great, and is a shorter class as it starts after the traditional semester starts. I loved it when I was younger so I am hoping I will continue to do so. The math I could take or leave. I don’t hate math, and am actually pretty good at it, I just prefer to spend my time working on more “softer” studies: psychology, literature, etc.

So all I need to do is, complete one last quiz in my summer math class, take the Final, and then I get a month off before I go back to school. No lie I am looking forward to having a month of only family responsibilities, which of course rival a full time job, but I am very excited to get this school year started! This semester I will need to look into schools to transfer to, which means looking out of state! For now though I just focus on my math.

One step at a time.

Thanks for reading!

E

And she pinned Love to her board of to-dos…

(Please note: the following blog entry is a definite whine-a-palooza. If you hear “WAAAAA!” in the back of your brain while reading, don’t be alarmed. That’s just me.)

I have the dire need for some cathartic blogging relief. However, I’m not sure what to actually write about. So I’ll just write, and see where it takes me.

Today was kind of a bad day, not for any particular reason that seriously rocked my day, but for a few different reasons. Mostly my day was bad, because life is trying to tell me something, or my brain is (or God, whichever you would prefer to read) I have a feeling that what it is trying to say is that something needs to give, or to change. It definitely pointed out that I am in a weird place right now, in almost every aspect of my life. Relationships, friendships, school, work, family, self awareness. All weird. But the part that has been on my mind as of late is my love life.

I’ve been out of my last relationship long enough that I don’t want him back, or miss him; yet, my view of love changed quite a bit. I suppose that happens when someone plays you for a fool. I’m not sure what I want in a man anymore, or if I want to date at all. The cynic in me (along with a creepy old palm reader) says that in the end, despite the fact that I’ll have loved many, I will end up alone. The hopeless romantic in me says that there will come a day when I will meet my match in a man, and be blown away. It’s like the scene from the cartoon with the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. Except on one of my shoulders is me as an old maid who looks strangely like Tweety Bird’s caretaker, and on the other shoulder a version of me, that I can’t even imagine. What gives? I wanna see what happily-ever-after me looks like.

I have met quite a few new guys, and yet only one seems to stick out in my mind as a possible anything-other-than-just-a-cute-boy. Why only one? I want tons. Is it because he’s not from here? Do I need to move out so badly that my brain automatically vetoes anyone who lives here? Sigh. Maybe it’s because: just because. That happens. Just because happens. Maybe good things will come from it, maybe bad, maybe nothing in either direction. All just because.

What really matters is this: my pillow is calling to my sleepy head. And my eyes are trying to fall to the floor.

Goodnight.

Ex’s & Oh’s

Me

40 Things

So with all of the cramming that is going on in these last few weeks of school, I have been unable to sleep recently. Sad face. Tonight of course is the same ole story. Can’t sleep. Except this time I have to wake up way early (for me, mind you, an anti-morning person) to go to some training for my new job. I just laid there, thinking about how I couldn’t sleep. So I thought about the Sox. Bad idea. I couldn’t sleep even more. In the end I decided to get up and do a quick writing exercise. I Googled: writing prompts. I picked one, and went with it.

“List the first 40 things that come to mind that have happened to you within the last 365 days.” Easy, I love lists. I am a list goddess. Literally.

I decided to post it here, even though it holds some not-so-happy things about my past year, but I do not post it for pity. I do not post it to guilt anyone who may read it and feel responsible. I post it, because this is my tiny little corner of the internet, and I feel I have nothing to be ashamed of. If you feel I should be ashamed, I have the perfect solution: don’t read it! There are a few accomplishments on the list that I feel, in the end, will outweigh any of the negatives. And I guess I feel like bragging.

40 Things:

(in no particular order)

1. became engaged
2. planned a wedding
3. canceled a wedding
4. raised a child, who isn’t mine
5. betrayed by a good friend
6. moved out
7. lived with fiance for three months
8. moved back home
9. verbally/emotionally attacked, continuously, by (ex)good friend, and minions
10. broke up with fiance/boyfriend
11. put childhood dog down
12. caretaker for sick (at times) grandmother
13. went back to school
14. quit job
15. did well in school
16. met new people
17. made new friends
18. built a semblance of a social life
19. went gluten free
20. health picked up (SjS)
21. started to feel sick again (SjS)
22. gained new mentality on health
23. lost a good chunk of weight
24. went blonde again
25. learned how to do some new hairstyles
26. fixed up my car
27. filed taxes as an independent, again
28. appealed for financial aid, successfully
29. found good doctors
30. lost insurance
31. lost good doctors, due to insurance
32. saw two Red Sox games, got to see Lester pitch finally!
33. visited San Diego a few times
34. went to Disneyland a couple times
35. planned, cooked, and held Thanksgiving
36. planned, cooked, and held “Winter Holiday”
37. possibly found a religion
38. planned a future
39. lost a future
40. try to plan a new future

So there it is. It looks kind of negative I guess, from an outside perspective. I don’t personally think it really is. Life isn’t easy, and some years are harder than others. I survived the last year with: my humor intact, a smile on my face, and my heart still big. I am proud, and I may be confused as to what happens to me now; but I know, no matter what, I’ll be OK and that in the end I’ll win.

-Ex’s & Oh’s-

Me

Back To School

School started today, and it went pretty well. I am taking:

Astronomy 102 – Stars, Galaxies, Universe
Psychology 132 – Psychology and Culture
Sociology 101- Intro to Sociology
Social Service Education 110 – Intro to Social Welfare
Writing 102 – Writing II

I was pretty excited for this semester, and class line-up. Three social science classes, a fun science, and a blah general education course. I figured it would be awesome.

(Does anyone feel a big but coming on? Probably cause it is….)

So I thought I had a great schedule this semester but…

Astronomy isn’t what I had in mind for my “fun science class”. First off, the professor is a brand new PhD graduate, so his head is just as large as the head of a certain ex-boyfriend of mine. Second of all, he apparently didn’t get the memo that this class is NOT for math or science majors. Last but not least, he doesn’t seem to agree with the rule of thumb that if you have a class that is 3 hours long, you should offer a break.

**Essentially what it comes down to is this: it would be a great class to take if I didn’t have 4 other classes that also require my attention, and energy.**

So I think I may be dropping that class, which is cool, because I still have a full schedule. I might try to find a class that would also meet a major requirement, but the semester started so the odds of getting into a class I need are slim.

Here are some positives:

• My Psychology class is taught by the same professor that I loved last semester. He’s great; he’s funny, and makes the topic even more interesting than I already find it (which I didn’t know was possible).
• My writing professor seems to have her sh*t together, unlike last semester’s writing instructor.
• My sociology instructor seems funny, nice, and really interesting.
• My social work class’ textbook is easily my favorite. The class hasn’t started yet, so we’ll see how that goes.

All in all, not bad. If I drop Astronomy than I will have more time to do other things, and I won’t have to be at school as early as today.

Hopefully I’ll post more on this blog this semester, since I did pay for it you’d think I would use it….

Transitions…

Have you ever noticed that life is like the ocean’s waves? I have.

Every wave that comes up onto the shore brings change. There are little waves that change the earth so minutely that it isn’t even visible to the human eye. But every once in a while there is a wave that crashes on the surface of the sand so hard that everything is completely changed.

Life is change, and like the waves it’s usually subtle, barely noticeable. You usually know your life changed after the fact. And every now and then you get one of those big waves.

I feel like change has been slowly bumping my life along at a rhythmical pace. Like a leaf floating down the river, always moving, but never going under. But right now I just turned around to see a huge wall of water, a giant wave coming right at me. I can freeze it temporarily, but my power of stalling is not stronger than the Earth’s rotation and the power of time.

So I have two questions to ask myself:

What do I do now?

Do I even have a choice?

Safe as Houses, Crazy as Weddings

It’s been forever. I think I just have to accept that I am a bad or at least inconsistent blogger. So I decided to delete everything from earlier and start fresh-ish.

The house is super cute! Kinda “dumpy” looking on the outside because it is so old. But the inside: AWESOME (said in a high pitch girly tone).
We have polished cement flooring, an inclined ceiling with wood beams, a tin roof (which is really only noticeable when it rains), breakfast bar, walk in closet, sunken stand alone shower, and cute furniture! Our living room is half cozy library, half man room. So Rocket and I both win! Two bedrooms, two baths with a split design so L-Bug gets her own half of the house. Our yard is decent sized. Not so big that the dogs get lost in it, but big enough that we can grill and eat outside when the weather permits! A couple of trees keep it shady, and we have some misters as well.

The storage sucks. Period. So I had to be creative when I was unpacking everything. The house is kinda small, which I like. Small house = less cleaning, less clutter.

The mixing of our things was interesting. The house doesn’t look too girly, or like stinky bachelor pad. We have new couches (Hallelujah), and my bed, with a really awesome trunk at the foot. My grandma bought me  a beautiful stand alone jewelery/lingerie armoire. Screams 1950′s movie star.

We are doing most of the wedding planning at my grandma’s house still. Wedding Central. Keeps our place cleaner, LBug doesn’t get into anything (glitter! stamps! which she gets after the planning is done), and grandma still gets to be informed, and involved.

Planning a wedding is hard. So far we found a place, and we have a theme. I have the dress, the Save The Dates are being made, and possibly the make-up artist is picked.

We’ll see how crazy I get further into it!